I once said I don't remember the last time I cried.
Now I remember, it was when I picked up my my grandmother...
On the way to airport.
That was about a year ago.
Sometimes, I think how lucky I am.
But sometimes I also feel how unfair this part of my life is.
I don't really think anyone really understand how I really feel.
How deep I've been hurt for this last 20 years of my life.
Yes, it's been that long.
And it's a painful 20 years.
I can't get it out of my head, although I never wanted it to lurk inside.
I don't know how to help myself, I'm unable to defend myself.
I'm all open and vulnerable.
Doesn't it great to have an opponent who doesn't fight back?
I only take those punches and kicks in the gut and keep it all to myself.
I lost my desire to cry.
I'm tired of crying.
It doesn't do me any good.
Is it so wrong for me to have a normal life?
I'm not asking for a grand life, rich, getting all that I want, no.
Just a small, happy and a decent one.
At least I'm happy and so does the people I loved and cared for.
Just be happy together.
It seems so hard to be real.
I'm having too many dark side in my personality.
If I look back into my life, I can see clearly to the reason why.
I had it inside my head all my life.
You wouldn't know how a single "Thank you" or "I love you" would mean to me...
I never expected it to come out forcedfully, but just for once in a 20 years period wouldn't hurt, does it?
I never seen any respect I was hoping to see, I never seen the bond.
Maybe it's never there, I don't know.
I'm just so tired being sad, in sorrow, hating myself, in pain, feeling guilty for the mistakes I don't even do...
So please, if you really don't want me here...
Why don't you just kill me instead?
My feeling's already dead, maybe from a long time ago.
I'm just......... tired...... .
4 comments:
don't say that, dear *hugs*.
i never be in that situation so i can't just say "i know how it feels", but one thing i know, that our God, He is almighty, He could do things we never thought before.
Mother Theresa once said, "Following Jesus is simple, but not easy. Love until it hurts, and then love more."
it's gonna be hard to achieve big things, might be painful as well, but God cares, He understands. and His time never go wrong.
Keep praying, ma dear, ill pray for you too.. hope everything's gonna be alright soon ya..
*hugssss*
Oen, thank you very much dear.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
It means a lot to me. Really.
It's good to have someone to remind you.
I think this is what I had to go through to achieve the biggest and the best thing in my life :P
I'll always ask for the strength to Him, and how much I wish that everything would be okay.
Thank you so much dearrr... <:)
*hugsssssssssssss*
I've just read this and I think here we go again...
I hope you're still stubborn enough to stay get tough and just think of your mom more. By thinking of who you really love most fer, might give you a bit of ease. Really. Guess she's the one who could ease you most out of your family.
'cause somehow we just can't change the feeling that other have through us and how they treat us. But we can hold on to the ones we already have and who always ready to look and care for us.
These people who we should think of, not the one who hurt us.
I do this also, and so far, it earns me a bit of sanity.
Be tough Fer. There are people who need you more than you might see on their surface.
I know I'm not suppose to drown in such thought, but maybe i'm just too weak sometimes at some point I think it's unbearable.
I really wanted it to stop, maybe it's just an empty hope to wish there would be some great change that I expected to see.
Even it's only for a while, it would be great if this change I'm waiting for is really happening...
I'm tired to always coping to myself, changing who I am just to fit in this situation.
It's always my part to concede.
Sanity is out of the question, if you could say this is sane, then maybe i'm the one who's crazy.
I keep looking for a way to survive, to forget, to be tough, but sometimes I fell down, feeling too tired to always deal with the same damn thing.
Being raised in a place where you were treated like you're not needed, like a stranger, is the trigger of what I think now.
So, maybe, if you really feel sorry to have me, then let me go or don't take me here the first place.
But what can I say, I don't have that much option. The decision isn't on my behalf.
But thanks res, it's really something I must do. Maybe this things' what makes me stronger in the future. Uncertain, but hopefully so.
Thanks a lot for your support, it means a lot. :)
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